【Underwater Love】

2020 was another great year for horror. Or,Underwater Love at least, it will be.

As we wrap up this nightmarish trip around the sun (think Event Horizon, but with easier, more direct access to the bowels of hell), it's tempting to reflect on everything we’ve missed. This year, horror fans had to withstand not only tons of major movie delays — Halloween Kills, A Quiet Place Part II, Spiral: From the Book of Saw, Candyman, the latest Conjuring, and a bunch of other titles got kicked to 2021— but also to contend with a socially distanced Halloween season. That meant no haunted houses, no dark theaters, and no post-panic camaraderie to go with them.

Of course, that wasn’t even close to any of the worst stuff that happened this year. But for horror fans, it still really sucked.

And yet, as I sit here staring down next year like the copycat terror it is, I can’t help but buzz with scary excitement. See, horror, perhaps more than any other genre, reacts to our most difficult moments in history swiftly and shockingly.

When microwaves were freaking people out in the 1950s, radioactive monstersappeared to terrorize the masses. When serial killers gained national attention in the ‘70s, onscreen masked murderers arrived in droves. When the United States’ war on terror began in 2001, Saw, Hostel, and other examples of so-called “torture porn” rose to international prominence. (No, really, the thematic connections between that particular subgenre and 9/11 are wild.)

What horror will be served up post-2020? That's anyone's guess.

Now, folks wiser than me have suggested not speculating on the future of this genre I love "too" much; after all, what fun would horror be if you weren’t surprised by it? Still, in a time when we could all use a little something to look forward to, there's fun to be had in imagining what cinematic tortures await us once this real torture comes to an end.

And so, to honor the scares we actually want — during a time filled with the ones we don't — here are four dos and don’ts for the horror movies to follow the After Times.

1. Don't overdo it on the pandemic shit

If reviews for KJ Apa’s “COVID-23” thriller Songbirdare any indication, the whole pandemic horror schtick isn’t just drying up fast; it's already a dehydrated husk from which no further scary juice can (or should) be squeezed. Yeah, I'll admit: When social distancing started, leaning into the apocalyptic spirit of medical thrillers like Contagion was an enjoyable kind of doomscroll. Now, though, it feels like a cheap shot — if not an unnecessary and annoying reminder of this year.

Of course, pandemic movies aren't off the table forever. Someone can, and I'm sure will, eventually do something very, very cool with all the knowledge we've gained from this shitstorm. But chances are that person already knows who they are and will be waiting the appropriate amount of time before delivering that slam dunk of an idea. Everyone else can just... chill. It is, for sure, too soon.

2. Don't overdo it on the tech shit

Let me be clear: I am very happy for the magnificent Host and all that it accomplished at the intersection of social distancing and found footage. You go, director Rob Savage. Five stars.

That said, Host really needs to be the last screengrab horror movie for a good, long while. The oft-maligned Unfriended established the concept in 2015. That film's sequel, Unfriended: Dark Web, and the mystery thriller Searching improved on it in 2018. Now, we have Host. And that is enough.

Sure, we can revisit the whole "just what you'd see on a laptop screen" format once technology manages to get even creepier. But for now, all the Zoom calls and iMessages and screen sharing is a little played out. Yes, computers can be terrifying. They can also be very boring. Act accordingly.

3. But do make us laugh

The horror comedy is easily one of the best horror subgenres out there, and after all this nonsense? Well, my expectations for future horror comedies are only getting higher.

What resonates as being fun to audiences, especially within a horror context, has changed a lot this year. Unpacking all of that will take a long time, but the horror comedy is the perfect place to start experimenting with the limits of dark humor in our post-apocalyptic world. Seriously, even in 2020, Blumhouse gifted us with the tremendous Freaky — a scream queen-meets-serial killer body swap with some of the best kills this side of Final Destination — and Neon gave us She Dies Tomorrow — an existential laugh riot (no, really) starring Kate Lyn Sheil and some extra moody lighting.

TL;DR We're gonna get some really great jokes out of this garbage year down the line. They won't make all this worth it, but they'll still be pretty rad.

4. And definitely get us back to the theaters

It's too soon to tell where we'll be for Halloween 2021, or when many of the scary titles pushed to next year will actually get released. However, that shouldn't stop you from getting totally stoked about horror blazing back into theaters[insert orchestral flourish]someday.

An excellent money maker tied to one of the bigger commercial holidays, horror movies have always helped fill seats and stoked enthusiasm for cinema. Nothing beats screaming with your friends (and a slew of strangers) in a dark room, and soon enough, we'll be back. Not just for one last scare, à la Scream, but for many, many more after that. We can't wait.

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